/ Thursday, November 22, 2007
ever get those time..
you get too much time on your hands..
then u dunno wad to do?
life suddenly has lost its meaning
and..
all you wanna do
is..
is..
actually there is NOTHING you want to do
you want to have something to do
but you just dont
well..
thats what i am feeling rite now
somewhat
lost?
i dun wanna watch chinese dramas
i dun wanna watch hong kong dramas
i dun wanna watch jap anime
i dun wanna watch jap drama
i dun wanna play maple
i dun wanna play sims
i dun wanna read
its a really wierd feeling
then..
you suddenly feel like
you have so much time on your hands
you cant actually decide wad to do..
you
have so much time
everyday facing the empty house
and the computer screen
that..
your mind starts to run wild
i dunno
it started happening to me since..
the day o levels ended?
then today it became worst..
duno
i just
dont feel like doing anything
i want to
but
i juz
feel
so
lazy
then..
i start to think
and i start to suspect
am i worth all this?
is my life worth living for?
sometimes..
i feel
that my life lacks meaning?
maybe along with the other billions of people on this giant ball that thinks their life stinks..
but
hah..
i look at myself
what have i accomplished
all these years?
i have never gotten 1st
in anyting
the times i get 1st
are so hard to come by
i believe they are countable using the fingers of one of your hands
i onli have 1 very distinct memory of the time i got 1st
that was..
in sec 2
i managed to get 1st in class for some maths test..
still it wasnt full marks
and..the funny part
was that mr yeow didnt actually tell the class that i got 1st too..
hah..
the other person( i wont say who) got the same score as me
and he/she got 1st in class
so..
yep
funny huh.
i never experienced
success in my life
i barely get the chance to
make others proud of me
and never have i done anything that i was so proud of myself of
i tried
i really tried
or did i?
did i try enough?
did i try hard?
i promise i will try not to cry
when i need
i wont cry
if i cant do anything good
then
i will be strong
mentally
actually
i can easily have chosen to go to any neighbourhood school
and get 1st in every test i take
as i have done in yumin pri
when i was in p3
but
if you ask me to choose again
i wont
i will still choose to come to this school
as i said
i prefer to be the small fish
in the big pond
than the big fish
in the small pond
if i m the big fish in the small pond
sooner or later the pond may not have enough space for me to grow
then
i will be stuck in the same size
otherwise
i may even shrink
i'm going to victoria jc
i promise myself
i scared to promise myself anything
i scared that i will let myself down
cos
i desperately lack in self confidence
because
am i that great?
to have so much confidence in myself?
self doubt..
dun mind this post
i just
want to rant somewhere
sometime
in the near future
i will read back
and see this post
i will probably hate myself again..
i dun like to see people complain
i mean
i normally have this mentality
that
"hey man, just live with it!"
i m a very inhumane
and very not-understanding person
same applies to myself bah
hmm
i wanna go uk
to start afresh
the weather outside is so much like uk rite now
damp
yet dry
cold
yet not humid
u noe
i spent 15 mins outside
staring into the skies
u noe
its funny
that the sky is so cloudy
yet
i still can see stars up there
funny how this world works
do i have what it takes
to get into a school in uk?
no need to say cambridge
uk?
just
any school in uk?
here comes the $$ problem
am i rich enough to fufil my lifetime wish?
i really want to migrate to uk
i really do
i love everything about that place
maybe i shall
someday
hopefully..
why cant i just be born there in the 1st place
then again
this world is filled up with
"why cants" and "ifs"
quoted from stardust:
"is it because the stars look at us
that makes us human
or do we look at the stars
because we are human"
everything has two sides of a story
remember that sandy
theres a reason for everything
/Hopped!
9:24 PM
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